The B Team Standard

Caregiving Idea #8: Listen, Solve or Carry?

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This idea is a combination of a few conversations.

Last summer, I interviewed Chris Lewis from Fathering Together. In that conversation, Chris said that as a father of teenagers, he has learned that when his kids come to him with problems, he first asks — do you want me to help you solve this problem, or just listen? He said that most of the time, his kids just want him to listen. And that’s helped him learn to stop trying to fix everything — and just become better at being empathetic.

I liked that idea.

Nearly a year later, I was watching a friend of mine deliver a Good Friday sermon online. She told a story about Pope Francis, who has spoken of his relationship with the deceased Saint Therese of Lisieux. Sometimes when Pope Francis is struggling to handle an especially hard problem or weighty decision, he prays to Saint Therese to help him “carry the burden” so he doesn’t have to do it alone.

I like the result when you put the two stories together. When a friend is struggling with a decision, carrying an especially large burden, or dealing with a significant problem — a nice response can be, “Do you want me to just listen? Do you want me to help you solve this problem? Or do you want me to carry some of the burden for you — so you don’t have to carry all of it aline?”

1. Sometimes friends (or partners or kids) just want you to listen. They want to vent and they want to be heard. And all you have to do is sit still, and not speak, and listen. And empathize. (See Idea #2.)

2. Sometimes friends actually want help solving a problem. They want you to help them search for solutions or choose the best option.

3. Sometimes friends feel like the weight of the world is on their shoulders: a giant work situation, an illness, a crumbling marriage. And in those moments maybe what they need, like Pope Francis, is to just have someone else also carrying that burden with them; worrying with them, so they don’t have to be the only one holding the weight.

You may not use those exact words. I can see people needing to adjust the phrasing so it is something you feel comfortable using. But hopefully these concepts help give people of all genders a better idea of how to respond when a friend comes to you with a problem. This may be especially important for men, as boys are socialized to “fix” things. Men are typically more comfortable helping others solve a problem, and it may take a bit more practice to just sit and listen. But sometimes just sitting and listening is what that friend needs most.

Click here for Idea #9: Filling Time