The B Team Standard

Caregiving Idea #2: Intentional Empathy

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Caregiving Idea #2: Intentional Empathy

This seems like such a standard idea, I thought about omitting it. But empathy is so critically important — I decided to leave it in. Besides, a reminder never hurts.

When our friends are going through something hard, it is one thing to hear the words they say. It is another thing to LISTEN to them. I learned this during the years I volunteered at the Ottawa Rape Crisis Center. If you are showing care by listening, then you must do so with intention. It is not appropriate to “one-up” them, to cut them off and share your own story, or to dismiss their problem because someone else has it so much worse. The right thing to do is to just listen. Empathize. Take their story at face value. Believe them. Allow them to vent, to share their worries.

We are not always great listeners. We are so eager to share our own stories or our own experiences, we tend to rush others along until it is our time to speak. But when you are caring for another, it is important to prioritize their needs over your own.

What About Kids?

This is an essential skill set for all kids. Children need to learn how to listen to others, and wait their turn to share. They also need to learn how to empathize with others — and that takes practice. I learned while researching Equal Partners that building empathy in boys is one of the most important ways of raising men capable of being an equal partner.

Here’s an excerpt from Chapter 8 of Equal Partners that sums up this point perfectly:

“So how does this relate to the next generation? In order for men to have the ability to empathize, they first need to learn how to articulate their feelings. Mike intentionally works to build these skills in his kids. Boys are generally taught to understand two emotions — joy and anger. But there are dozens of other emotions that we need to be able to feel so we can empathize with our friends, partners, kids, etc. You can’t have compassion for others if you, yourself, don’t understand shame, embarrassment, humiliation, fear, and sadness.

Mike knows that little kids don’t often have the vocabulary to articulate feelings, so he works hard to help his son find the right words to match his emotions. I rarely accept anger from him. I know that most times, when he is expressing anger, there’s another emotion underneath that. I have to figure out what is behind that anger. Mike believes, both professionally and personally, that helping his son learn how to feel and articulate a range of emotions will help him be a better adult.

Click here for Idea #3: Meals.