The B Team Standard
Caregiving Idea #1: Hosting
My mother has a close group of friends who long ago gave themselves the nickname of The B Team. Growing up, I learned a lot about caregiving from watching my mom and the Bs. It was role modeling at its very best. Which is why, when I decided to write this series, I wanted to pay tribute to these women in my life. Because I think the world would be a more thoughtful place if we all strived to reach the B Team Standard.
Caring for Each Other
Let’s be honest, it has been a rough couple of years. And based on last week’s news feed, I don’t anticipate rosier days any time soon. Ideally, we’d all have a personal therapist to help us navigate life’s setbacks. But even if we could all afford it, there are not enough therapists in the world right now to meet our collective emotional health needs.
Instead, we will do what humans have always done — trudge on. We go through the days, and through the weeks. We handle each challenge as it comes, and we move forward.
But what can we do to make that trudge a little bit easier?
There’s lots of information out there about caring for children, caring for the elderly, and providing self-care. But what about caring for each other? This is worth consideration, because I believe simple acts of exceptional kindness can help us through really hard days. And most people I know (myself included) could use a little TLC right now.
Starting today, and for the next 39 days, I’ll write about a different way that we can care for each other. Though the title was inspired by the B Team, I have collected these ideas from dozens of friends and colleagues over the past few months. Some require money, some are free. Some take hours, other a few seconds. I don’t anticipate anyone would do ALL of them. But hopefully one or two will inspire you.
Do we really have the time and energy to be extra right now? Probably not. But I will say that in my life, when I take time out to do something extraordinary for a friend, I bounce back. I might get a bit less sleep that night — but I recover. And I enjoy it. And in hindsight, I always know it was well worth the added effort.
Is this going to stop the war in Ukraine? No. Is this going to help earthquake survivors in Afghanistan? Bring back reproductive rights? Reverse gas prices so you can pay your bills this month? No, no and no.
But all those days that I’ve put my head down and worked harder… well sure, they felt necessary at the time, but they’re not memorable. But I do remember the times I have done something extraordinary for a friend. And I remember the days when a friend has done something extraordinary for me. And those are the memories that keep me going.
What Does This have to Do with Gender?
You knew if I wrote it, there had to be a gender angle coming! Caregiving skills (such as empathy, vulnerability, patience and humility) have traditionally been coded for women. Historically, when someone was sick, it was a woman who brought them soup. When someone passed away, it was a woman who sent flowers and a card.
But as I discuss in Equal Partners, perpetuating these gendered norms are bad for everyone. We should not over-burden women with the world’s caregiving responsibilities, nor should we should exclude men from caregiving experiences. We now know that the act of caring helps the caregiver as well as the care receiver, and men who participate in caregiving have improved emotional, physical and sexual health.
So, I am explicitly stating that these caregiving ideas are appropriate for all humans. I am explicitly encouraging men to re-write gender norms and embrace caregiving opportunities. And I am explicitly asking all of us to have the same caregiving expectations for our sons as we do for our daughters.
Caregiving Idea #1: Show You Care Through Hosting
I have to start with what I perceive as the B Team’s signature — love through hosting. Yes, of course sometimes people just pop over for a potluck or a quick beer. Not every visit from a friend requires a big fuss. But sometimes to show you care, to demonstrate THIS is how much you mean to me, a little fuss goes a long way.
Clean Up Your House: Cleanliness is important. You don’t have to clean the whole house. (We’ve all thrown messy piles onto beds so that the living room looks tidy.) But you want a nice space for your friends. Not because anyone is judging you — but because taking the time to tidy a space for your guests is a way to show love; a way to say: “You are important to me. You are so important that I stopped everything else in my day and cleaned this room for you.”
Serve with Pride: It doesn’t matter what you’re serving, but it does matter that you put love into whatever you serve. You do not have to provide an expensive meal, a difficult meal, or even a homemade meal. But choose things your guests will like, and make sure there is plenty for everyone. Gourmet cooks will love putting on an elaborate dinner, but evening drinks or dessert are also appreciated. Try a new cocktail recipe. Make a pie.
Create a Mood: Picture a little kids birthday party: the matching cups and plates, the balloons, the streamers. Remember that rush of excitement you felt when you walked into a party room? It felt like — an event! And it felt good.
We can do the same for our friends: bowls of snacks, a vase of flowers, the right music. Genuine hosting is not about showing off your home or impressing people with your cooking skills. It is about creating an environment; a small snippet of time; a micro-vacation. It is about facilitating a time when your guests can leave their day-to-day worries behind. To be pampered and cared for. A time to feel included, invited, and appreciated.
What About Kids? Girls grow up in a “tea party” culture. We give girls play dishes and take pictures when they serve food and drinks to their dolls. I wouldn’t actually suggest we stop this practice; I just think we need to encourage boys to do the same. Give all kids tea sets. (As well as play kitchens, fake food, and aprons.) Encourage all kids to entertain their stuffed animals; encourage all kids to host mini parties for family members or friends. If we normalize this behavior for boys, it will be natural for them to continue caring through hosting into adulthood.
Click here for Idea #2: Intentional Empathy.
